Is Smaller Better?

I wish I could say gone was the era of larger equals better, but I think as Americans we still have a ways to go. McMansions have boomed over the last decade, everyone wants their piece of the pie. Growing up in a small home, or at least by today’s standards, I never felt cramped or deprived. There were five of us, three kids and my parents and we had an 1850 square foot split level in the middle of suburbia.

 

I have seen many of my friends purchase large homes, up to 5000 square feet, and wonder what for? Are you running a hotel here or starting your own colony? Of course their answers are they just need space. Space for what I wonder, from each other?

 

It looks like the McMansion days are coming to a halt, it may be temporary, but lets hope not. Over the last year, housing sales have dropped drastically throughout the country and McMansions seem to be in high inventory. Not only are the large mortgages detouring potential buyers but the high maintenance costs leave most of us gasping for air!

 

I recently read in the Sunday paper about Cottage Communities may be on the rise. It appears for reasons of being green or simply leading an easier lifestyle, buyers are willing to pay premium prices for smaller spaces that are made to live large. Cottage homes are built on small lots, most of them facing a center communal court and are between 800 to 1500 square feet. These homes are built with all the extras, hardwood floors, built ins, high end cabinets and crown moldings galore. Sounds like heaven to me!

 

What could be better than a home built for the way we live, not the way we wished we lived? I currently live in a home that is a bit over 2700 square feet. By many people’s standards my home is not large, but to me when it comes time to clean, it is a sprawling estate! I notice there are many spaces that are under utilized and we actually live in only a few communal rooms. Of course the kitchen and family room are on the top of the list. I have three children, a husband and a dog. Most days I wish for a smaller but more efficient home that worked better with our lifestyles.

 

I can see why these cottage communities are catching on. What could be better, than to own a home that is not only beautiful but functional? Smaller homes leave less of an imprint on the planet and require less maintenance, which saves on energy costs. I am not sure how I would feel living on such a tiny lot that faced all of my neighbors, considering some days I like to be a hermit. But the idea of living in exactly what you use and not a spec more, becomes more appealing to me every day.   

Hiking with the kids…

This morning the three kids, my husband and I all went for a hike on one of our local trails, at Beaver Lake Park…what a great introduction to a Sunday morning. A few weeks ago we discovered how much the kids enjoy walking/running the trails. They love whisking their way through the bushes and winding down the paths, with their faithful dog leading the way. As much as the kids enjoy hiking, their mother loves it even more!

During college I remember hiking with my friends up the challenging touraine off of Chuckunut Drive. I loved breathing the fresh air and taking in the scenery once the mountains were conquered. It appears my children have inherited one trait from me, since their looks come from their father.

Today the air was warm and humid. The moisture felt like a warm compress against the skin, which made the hike all the more challenging for the kids. My sons tried their best to keep up, but the heat made their run all the  more difficult. My daughter on the other hand, takes after my father. She has the long lean legs of a runner and she glides effortlessly through trails like she is flying. Most of my life I have hated running. I have used it as a torture tactic to keep me honest during my workouts. Recently, I have discovered how much I enjoy racing after my daughter. Each step must be thought out, each root must be avoided, and when declining you must pay attention so not to buckle your knees. I  realize how much I love being out there, moving at a speed that races the pace of my heart, and mostly watching my daughter move with such little effort.

It is fun to finally introduce my children to the activities I have enjoyed before them. What is nicer, is to see how much they enjoy hiking and taking in nature around us. The simple pleasure of picking wild huckleberries off the trees provides them with the ultimate gift nature has to offer; for them as they eat them and for me watching them amazed at the sweet berries we didn’t need to buy at QFC.

Change….

Change can be scary and unsettling…I know this first hand, since I am definitely a creature of habit. For me, change is something I dream about, even talk about, but not very often act on. Sometimes I wish I were more adventuresome and willing to put  myself out there, without fear of consequence. I have a girlfriend Nicole, who got married around the same time my husband and I did. We both had similar careers and both wanted to start families. I of course went on to have three children and gave up my career to raise them and take care of my family…but Nicole was different…

Nicole was having difficulty conceiving, instead of panicking, she took a good hard look around at her environment. We had been having conversations about her marriage and her struggles with being held back from achieving her dreams.  Even though she wanted a child of her own, she decided to really pay attention to the signs that were coming her way and her internal restlessness.

Without much hesitation Nicole made a huge change and acted on what she felt was a sign for her to pursue a completely different path. She packed her bags, sold her suburban dream and moved to New York City on her own. Nicole left her husband, her parents  and everything safe to follow a dream. Nicole never allowed her fear of failure to hold her back, but instead she used it to her advantage. I believe her motivation and success came from a primal urgency that she internally tuned into, to use to her advantage.

I of course am no Nicole. I am washed up housewife, (I know some of you don’t appreciate that description) with three children and a family. Looking back over the past twenty years, I have always chosen the safe road. I have never been one to veer off and do something crazy, other than the Redmond house, but that is a story in itself….

I am not hoping to become Nicole, I could never measure up to her success and ambition. She is truly amazing. But I can take a lesson from her willingness and persistence in making decissions that feel right, not just appear to look good on paper. Lately I have been trying to pay attention….which doesn’t sound like much, but I think it is a lot more difficult done than said.

Upon a closer look, I have noticed people surrounding me who are supportive of me pursuing a new career and making a change in my families lives. I have been given an opportunity to write in a public forum and the chance to work with really creative and talented editors and writers. I have been lucky enough to speak with people who have taught and have provided me with an honest insight into the realities of actually following my dreams.

I know I will never be a Nicole, adventuresome, courageous and beyond successful…but in my own way, I think I will find my own personal success. By paying attention to her story and embracing change, not fearing it, might allow for some new and unexpected opportunities……

Is there meaning in signs………….?

I have been asked over and over again what my religious views are, and most recently it was by some mothers at the park.  All of whom my daughter attends school with their children. I have often wondered if I were more religious if my life would be more centered and even fulfilled. I am not sure I have the quick and easy answer to that.

 

At times we all get into what some call a “funk” or period of just being off.  During theses times I find it hard to focus on all that is good in my life, but instead the unattainable seems to catch my gaze…Recently a friend confided that they were also going through a period where they realized they were trying to redefine what was important to them and find their way through the maze of distractions. One thing stood out, people around him were consistently asking him the same questions. He wondered if there was some sort of pattern or maybe a sign he should be paying attention too? Hmm…

 

Two answer both the moms in the park and my friend; I think that this is what spirituality is all about. Sure there are signs, and they given to us in hopes we will pay close attention to them. Sometime we are so overwhelmed with the daily rut, we miss the signals. On the occasions we are able to notice the patterns and the clues given, I think we must step back and a take a good hard look at what is before us…

 

Whether you call the signs answers from God, callings from Allah, or Yin and Yang working their stuff…to me it is all the same. If you are open to it, spirituality can help each of us find meaning in our life and help guide us through rough touraine. Hopefully my friend will sit back and pay attention to the patterns he is noticing…and most importantly hopefully he will find meaning in them.

 

Going back to school….

Well after many hours of anguish, I have finally decided to take the plunge and go back to school. I am still torn between being a school guidance counselor or an elementary school teacher….I guess a little more time will tell. After much internal debate with myself, going back to work feels like the right choice. By the time I finish my masters my youngest will be entering school. This will free my time and my conscious.

Knowing myself, I tend to rush into things without hesitation or much thought, I have decided to wait until winter quarter to begin my educational journey. In the mean time I am thinking about taking a Technical writing course to not only refresh my writing skills but also to prepare myself for being in school again…does anyone remember what it’s like…it seems like decades ago since my last exam…..uh!

I hope I am making the right choice not only for myself but for my family. My Dad has encouraged me to go back to get a masters even while I was finishing up my Bachelors. I feel completely torn between being a good wife and mother and finding some self fulfillment. Dad has pointed out, that my kids will be well adjusted if they see a happy and independent mother…I hope he is right.

Lastly, in one of my earlier articles I asked if teaching was a luxury? Honestly I think it is in a metropolitan city. I have had many internal conversations with myself wondering if I am being selfish taking on the financial burden of furthering my education, to come out making half of what I made without a masters.  As a friend says, I will never be happy until I finally follow through on my dreams…I think they are right….

Always the giver……

Just a forward … to a disappointed reader…this will be boring…so you might want to wait for something juicy later…..

Always the giver..my grandmother is one, my mother can’t help herself but to be one, and I have known countless others who are always giving of themselves, asking very little, if anything in return.

I have always had a difficult time understanding these types of people. How can you not speak up and ask for what you want? How can you not vocalize your feeling and die of not being heard? How can you give so much of yourself and be at a complete loss when someone asks you what you want?

Growing up, I was rather selfish. Not mean, not one to ignore others, just very in tuned with what I wanted…it could have been a car, a new outfit, or a guy. Nothing would stop me from going after what I wanted,  I never thought it was brash or even selfish to do so. I thought it was strange when I saw others too shy or maybe too insecure to vocalize their thoughts and wants. As I look back, I realize how immature …not to want and certainly not being vocal, but in not understanding those that sat silently and selflessly gave of themselves. Those might be the people I would have overlooked, but not today..

Today I realize I am somewhere in between, which I am quite proud of. Having my three children has taught me that life does not completely revolve around my needs and my wants, but that they must come first. My kids never asked for life, I created it without their consent. Therefore, like most mother’s, I believe it is my maternal job to do what is best for them, even if it is not always in the best interest of myself.

Don’t let me full you, I am not the martyr or one of Mother Teresa’s long lost apostles. For the first time, I am just aware that what I want is not always best for everyone, so I must actually take that into consideration, and when it comes to my children it is the deciding factor.

I am glad when I see my mother for the first time ask for help, sometimes I find myself breathing a loud sigh, but afterwards I feel grateful I was given a small opportunity to give something back. I think if there is anything I can offer to the givers of the world, it is nice of you to always give of yourself. But like any running machine, if you don’t take the time for self maintenance a breakdown will occur, and then we will all suffer the loss…..

Rekindling old friendships….

I read an interesting article today. The author was discussing the false pretenses in getting in touch will old friends / acquaintances from their early school days. What was the point? If you haven’t been close enough to stay in touch with them through the years, why would it be so important to do so now?

 

After reading the article, I think I finally understood where my brother was coming from, when he refused to go to his twenty year high school reunion last year. I remember being so excited for him to come up from LA to attend his reunion. I told my brother if his wife did not come up, I would go with him. A lot of the guys he went to school with were from our neighborhood and I would love to see how they are doing now. My brother’s response was simple and straight forward (which if you knew him, is always the case). My brother told me I could go without him, he wasn’t going to waste his time.

 

I couldn’t understand…why wouldn’t you want to see how your old friends are doing? After reading another author’s point of view today, it occurred to me not everyone looks at reunions the same way.

 

Why would you care to casually speak with someone from your past if you haven’t cared to stay in contact with them over the last twenty years? I never looked at old friendships that way, but what an interesting point of view. Actually, what a valid view and even an insightful view of what many might see as a false display of casual niceties.

 

I on the other hand have found rekindling old friendships to be soothing and nostalgic. This last weekend, I drove a half an hour south to meet up with an old friend who I was close with throughout my school years. We lost touch with each other when we graduated high school. I went off to college and she went off to begin her new life as an adult. Through the years I have always wondered what happened to her and other friends of mine, that I haven’t stayed close with throughout years.

 

Well, it was if twenty years had not gone by. My old friend and I started off where we left off. There were no conversation gaps, no gasps of relief when it was time to go, just two old friends catching up on the last nineteen years.

 

I thought I might try to shed some light on why people can go down two separate paths and yet find it healing to meet up at the mid point for a reconnection. From my experiences, once you graduate high school, you have an opportunity to recreate yourself to represent who you believe you are, not what pubescent teenagers define you as. So you venture off on a new journey, for some college and others work, to define who you are as a person. The world is your oyster as they say. You get to pick and choose your new friendships from a vast pool that was not quite as accessible during high school.

 

Then with a blink of an eye, you find yourself approaching mid life and redefining your goals and what is important to you. Reaching out for an old familiar friend who journeyed with you through puberty can feel quite comforting. This person(s) stood by you through your early transformation, what could be more natural as they stand by you through the next?

 

I am certainly not trying to convince anyone that my experiences should be theirs. My brother and the author of the article I read have valid points. Each of them may not need to seek the comfort of old friends. Nor do they feel an urge to reconnect with those from the past. But for myself, I have enjoyed the internet for allowing me the opportunity to reconnect with people from my past. I believe I was too ignorant in my youth to appreciate their importance in my life.

What’s better, to nurture or be nurtured?

Yesterday I went down to spend the afternoon with My Sitto (grandmother in arabic), who is ninety-three, and my aunt who lives with her. They live a half hour south of me, with no traffic, which of course is a rare occassion. I find it difficult to get down there enough to visit with them. So once or twice a month on a Saturday I make my way down to Kent.

My Aunt Sue recently has had some health concerns which all started last year. Recently, her health has escalated, with a lung cancer scare. The doctors seem confident they have it under control. In the mean time, she is enduring weekly chemo treatments, which all of us know, reak uncertain havek and have totally unpleasent side affects on your body. I thought I would surprise her with a bit of homemade “nurture” in a pot!

Before I arrived, I stopped by the store to purchase a few last ingredients so I could make them a nice homemade pot of tortilla soup! Tortilla soup is a cure all. The spices stimulate the immune system, chicken is always a healer and it is loaded with vegetables!  You will know when you have made the “inner circle” once I make the soup for you. This soup is not fancy, it just screams pure comfort with the melted bubbling cheddar cheese on top….

As I arrived my Aunt greeted me at the door with her usual smile and kiss. I scurried in and ran directly to the kitchen, of course after I ran over and kissed my Sit and said hello. There I was dicing vegetables, cubing chicken, and sauteing spices over the stove. I was so happy to be able to make the soup for them. I thought that evening they would not need to make dinner, it would be ready  and one less thing to worry about.

The soup was finished and sat on the stove, awaiting the dinner hour. I finished my visit with them, and began to pack up to leave. As I was kissing them good bye, my Aunt Sue, as she usually does, ran to the freezer to grab me some cooked Kibbe. She keeps it on hand, and always sends me home with my fair share.

As I looked at my aunt, even in with her health challenging her, I saw the pleasure it gave her to offer me this special treat. My Aunt Sue knows this is my favorite Arabic food of all time! For a brief moment, I wanted to decline. After all, wasn’t I there to nurture them for once?

I stood ready to say no, when I saw how happy it made her to hand me this special treat. I of course, with no further hesitation took my Kibbe and said thank you. I realized, that I am not sure how much longer my cooked Kibbe will be waiting for me in the freezer.  As much as I wanted to nurture my Aunt and my Sit yesterday, I saw how important it is to them to nurture me as well. Not that I need the physical help, but each time I arrive home and heat up my cooked kibbe, I get to relish and take in a piece of comfort that was cooked out of pure love. What could be more nurturing than that?

Lazy Days…

Today has been one of the those lazy days, where the flannel pink robe only came off for a brief period of time during my morning exercise and bath.  Of course, as soon as possible, I put my cozy and reliable robe right back on.

Lately I have not been able to sleep soundly at night. I find myself in the midst of the “Coury”  midlife crisis. This is a legacy passed on by my paternal side. Not to point any fingers Dad….

Every Coury I have ever known, has gone through this period which I always thought was a ”crazy period”. From past experiences it always seemed to begin around forty and ended by the late forties or early fifties, if you were lucky.  There have been a few Courys who never came out right…I of course will not devulge any names….

I warned my husband what would happen to me around my fortieth birthday. I think with all the steroids and antibiotics in our foods I might be prematurely aging. I found myself in the mist of my crazy period at thirty-seven. Good thing I have switched to organic!

That brings me back to my lazy day. I have not been sleeping well at night. I restlessly try to find a comfortable  position, while my husband threatens to buy a new bed. I forgot to mention one thing. Every night I bring an entourage of pillows with me to prop against my aching back. It is like bringing two extra people to bed. Other than these “people” don’t whine at the discomfort from the jerks and tortuous bends I subject them too.

So much has been on my mind. I feel like I am in the middle of a personal reinvention or personal crisis, I am not sure yet which. I lay awake at night, while everyone is in a deep sleep thinking about my day, what I want to change and what will make me happy. I think about old friends, and trying to recreate an old life that no longer exists. I think about my current life and ways to find more meaning from my activities. A reevaluation of my priorities has led me to rethink paths I have chosen.

I am hoping that by making myself a priority again, I will be able to discover and enjoy this new emerging me. The washed up suburban housewife might have more to offer the world, than carpooling and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I am finding out that what truly makes me happy is right here in front of me, I just need to be strong enough to reach out and grab it. Who knows, this Coury may be discovering that a midlife crisis is nothing to fear, but instead something to embrace. I might just come out of this thing a bit better off.

Now, if I could just figure out how to get back to sleep again….

Designer jeans for girls?

Designer jeans for little girls? Who came up with this one? I guess the designers and major department stores felt women were not spending enough money on premium denim, so they decided to hit up small children as well.

 

My daughter Kalie is six years old and will be entering first grade in the fall. She is a sweet shy little girl and up to this point, rather naïve to name brand jeans and designer shoes.

 

As most women are aware, a major department store has their “anniversary sale” every summer. Some of the other housewives were over when I received the catalog for the sale. We all sifted through it. A few of the women, noticed the children’s designer jeans were on sale. They were considering purchasing the “premium” denim for their daughters.

 

I gasped and then let it drop. I know everyone has their own comfort level on purchasing clothes for their children and what is an appropriate amount. I have to admit, I cringe when I have to spend more than fifteen dollars for any one piece. That is a splurge to me!

 

My daughter noticed us ladies looking at the anniversary sale catalog and soon found interest in it. Later that night, she opened it up and pointed out all of the items she recognized her friends owned and what she would like.

 

I was not expecting to have this conversation with Kalie at age six.  I have been preparing my speech for when she turned sixteen, I guess I was a decade off. I sat Kalie down and explained that we do not always get everything we want, and when we want something bad enough, we must work for it. Kalie looked at me a bit confused, but decided it wasn’t worth pursuing ….or so I thought.

 

I went out with my sister this last weekend for drinks at the mall and to get Kalie’s shoes for school at the sale. Kalie was very specific on what she wanted and what she found to be appalling. I couldn’t believe my ears…what had I raised? A bubblegum popping, mall shopping post toddler? Could this be?

 

Of course I reminded Kalie how grateful she should be to receive new shoes each year. I also let her know we have a budget and that she would not be getting the “designer” shoes her friends owned, but the shoes I found appropriate in taste and in price.

 

When I got home later that evening she was still awake, waiting for her new shoes. After opening her box, she was excited at that shoes I purchased and ran to her room to try them on. I realized, Kalie and I had made it through the first round unscathed….but I fear the future. I guess I will have to lead by example, and show my daughter designer labels don’t define a person, they’re merely just labels….and if that doesn’t work, burn the Anniversary Sale catalog before she sees it!